For the many who don’t know, my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD in June of 2010. It was nothing I didn’t know already and nothing I hadn’t suspected all along. What did take me by surprise was him being diagnosed with Aspergers and now, after several tests with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, his diagnosis might be closer to an Autistic classification. Although he is verbal, he does show some deficiencies in several areas. Since 2010, I have spent countless hours completing questionnaires and gathering bits and pieces of data in an effort to try and place the pieces of his puzzle together.
While I’m glad we’re getting more information and resources to help him, gathering all this data has taken me back so many years and has really made me look into the medications he has taken, specifically examining the few that could have played a role in his new stuttering, has made me feel pretty guilty. I realize that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle and that we all encounter certain obstacles in life for a reason, but I would be telling one big ole’ fat lie if I said that I don’t oftentimes feel guilty. Because I do. I believe this is normal and, like other parents in my situation, I don’t mean to place blame on myself and I have done nothing to harm either of my children, I just don’t know where else to place the blame for this! I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way sometimes. There are other mothers feeling this same burden.
Placing blame won’t make me feel better but I find myself questioning my judgement a lot. I often blame myself for NOT doing something sooner, although I had him evaluated in Day Care with CPSE as early as possible. I even went through a period of time when I thought that perhaps me being a helicopter parent caused this – not allowing him to be independent stunted him. If my bathroom walls could talk, they would tell you a story that began in 2010. For years, I have cried alone in my shower, questioning what has caused all of the challenges my firstborn faces. Whatever the cause may be, today I choose NOT to place blame on myself and just move on with whatever comes my way.
In my eyes, my son is perfect. He’s not like every little boy and I am okay with that because he’s mine. He’s sweet, caring, nurturing, funny, and great to be around. It’s rough to hear that your child may be a bit awkward or he may be looked at as “different,” but he is my “perfect kind of different” and I wouldn’t trade him for the world! I will continue to advocate for him and follow through with what he needs to make sure he lives a life full of love and happiness.
Through this experience, I am realizing that, in life, things are thrown our way because we are the chosen ones and somewhere along the line we have become strong enough to deal with things like this. I am sure that through this journey I will have my ups and downs, but I will continue to learn, teach myself and my boys, and not place on blame on myself for what has been given.
Care to share: Do you ever place blame on yourself as a parent?